I hate unnecessary duplication. I mean, what’s the point in having technology if you’re going to waste time and money getting enraged on separate occasions? With today’s busy lives it makes sense to combine these important and liberating expressions of futility into one electro-mechanical device.

Well today I can finally announce a revolution in household frustration, a prototype machine that combines a vacuum cleaner, printer and desktop scanner. Now, I know what you’re thinking; ‘I don’t get enough white-hot rage as it is!’, or ‘How will I be wrenched from the asphyxiating, glacial mundanity of life if I can’t kick the fuck out the vacuum cleaner twice a week?’.

Well don’t fret, because this machine will provide so much incandescent rage you’ll wonder how you ever navigated the pastelised banality of modern life without one.

This revolutionary machine, currently called ‘Gaar-FUCK 30i6i-&66j 234’ utilises the latest in adaptive technology to ensure a sense of rage so acute you can’t help but feel vibrantly alive.

For instance, remote sensors assemble a file of your home’s potential storage options and automatically reconfigure the machine’s dimensions to slightly larger than the available spaces. Got a suitable cupboard? Think again! A dedicated door sensor triggers a range of flexible tubes to launch themselves out of the storage space when the door is almost closed. Pressing on one section of flexible hose causes another to pop free and smack the operator in the face. This feature rated particularly highly with focus group participants, who likened it to making a balloon animal out of a cheetah.

Developments in quantum computing have enabled perhaps the most impressive feature of the Gaar-FUCK 30i6i-&66j 234, Cartridge Entanglement. Cartridge Entanglement renders the print function non-operational unless all cartridges are full, even if your document only requires black and white. A series of pop-up warnings will appear on every device in your house, while a 5 litre, high-pressure cartridge sluices the surrounding area in archival ink. Cyan? Now you fucking know.

The Gaar-FUCK 30i6i-&66j 234 comes with 16 USB cables, 8 black, 8 white, to ensure maximum camouflage amongst other household ephemera. It will not operate without all 16 cables, however there is also a remote control, peppered with symbols in straightforward Vedic semaphore.

The Gaar-FUCK 30i6i-&66j 234 ships overnight from Iceland, in its own polystyrene aircraft hanger.

Send money now!



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