Tony Abbott cancels environment; “I’m just over it really”

Gen and Murray's Golden Retriever at Abbott's speech on Monday night.

Gen and Murray’s Golden Retriever, before Tony Abbott’s address on Monday night.

Tony Abbott has announced the government’s radical plan to cancel the Australian environment, claiming increasing costs and declining interest have made the biosphere untenable. The announcement follows weeks of speculation at Genevieve and Murray’s place, culminating in a wide ranging dinner party on Monday evening. Over the soup course, Abbott stated that the environment was no longer compatible with the overarching intellectual traditions of the coalition and blamed Labor’s legacy for the changes,

“Let me be clear, we need to address the remaining environment we were left by the previous government. Now I know there will be some who disagree, but in the end I have to do what’s right for Australia. And what’s right for Australia, clearly, is to extract and convert as much mineral wealth as possible to maintain the bank balances of our overseas friends and to keep our dollar nice and high.”

In his speech, Abbott recognised public disquiet over the changes,

“Of course, this won’t happen overnight. We’ll be cancelling the environment in a calm, measured, responsible, staged, logical, harmonious and considered way. I expect the phase out to be entirely completed during the period between Christmas Eve and Boxing day.”

Abbott also acknowledged the unfairness of some of the difficulties faced by the environment,

“Look, I think we can all agree that if the environment’s name had been spelt with C-O-A-L then things might be different, but as it stands, on the basis of the facts and the benefit of hindsight, foresight and frontsight, the time has come to end of this commitment that has been hanging around our necks.”

Minister for the Environment Greg Hunt was unavailable for comment this evening, instead referring enquiries to Tarquin, the only Golden Retriever at the address.

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