For those of you who have been completely zipped up in a sleeping bag for the last week or so, last Saturday was ANZAC Day, the day that academics and bobble-headed breakfast TV broadcasters knit together in a breathless tussle for self-legitimisation.

Of course, we all know that the ANZAC landing at Gallipoli was folly – thousands were mindlessly slaughtered, buried in shallow graves or left to peel and rot in the chilly sunshine. It was a failure so tremendous that its repercussions are still felt to this day, provoking annual soul-searching about Australia’s grisly fascination with dogged failure.

In the spirit of ANZAC then, here’s my recipe for the eponymous biscuits.

– Start off with not quite enough butter. Put it in a bowl and feebly chop at it with a bread-knife. Then, add the dog ends of two other blocks. You’ll find these in the flip-up compartment of the fridge door.

– Explode a new bag of coconut. Put some of it into a bowl. Squirt some molasses that is clearly not golden syrup into the bowl with the butter and coconut. Add the remains of a bag of rolled oats, taking care to include the slightly dusty grit at the bottom of the bag. Each biscuit should leave you feeling a bit like you’ve french-kissed a vacuum cleaner.

– Substitute a bit too much baking soda for a bit too much baking powder. As all us wholesome mummies know, baking soda is just great for everything from stubborn bathroom tiles to yeast infections. And it’d be great in the fucking biscuits too. Next time.

– Add some brown sugar. A lot of brown sugar. Test for taste. You should be able to feel your pancreas giving you the finger. Add more sugar.

– Now, spoon mixture onto baking tray, placing blobs of dough just far enough apart that they will join up perfectly on baking. This will ensure that when you remove the biscuits (exactly one Octonaut operation after they should have come out of the oven) you will maximise the seamless ‘tar-seal’ effect.

– While still molten and pliable, distribute mixture down inside of left forearm.

– Serve on iPhone5 (serving suggestion).

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